The Court Jester of the Furrow

I had the pleasure of taking part in the Ottawa Carleton Celebrity Plowing Competition in Fallowfield last week. Up against a field that included politicians and the Queen of the Furrow herself, I managed to come in 13th place. There were nine competitors.

The following are things that I did and did not hear during the event.

Did not hear:

“Jeff, I can’t believe how straight your furrow is. That is exceptional.”

Did hear:

“Are you thick? When I say down, push the plow down. I’ve been doing this since I was 9 and I’m 72 now, and I don’t think I have ever seen someone who can’t grasp plowing.”

Did not hear:

“We like how you went outside the parameters of the competition and made a creative pattern rather than a straight line.”

Did hear:

“Sorry, there is no freestyle category in plowing.”

Did not hear:

“Pierre Poilievre is right. There should be a King of the Furrow as well as Queen of the Furrow. Jeff, there is no doubt that should be you.”

Did hear:

“Jeff, I would like you to meet Avaleigh, this year’s Queen of the Furrow. Avaleigh, this is Jeff. After watching him plow, he is our new Court Jester of the Furrow.”

Did not hear:

“As Queen of the Furrow, I would like to solve the world’s hunger problems by teaching all of the children all over the world how to plow a straight furrow at the perfect depth so that they can grow food for everyone.”

Did hear:

“No, I don’t think being Queen of the Furrow will help me in my dream to solve world hunger… I’m sure some of the people who read your column who might think you are funny…”

Did not hear:

“We would like you to come and be a guest speaker at our next 4-H Club meeting.”

Did hear:

“You are so bad at this, I am surprised they even let you in the produce section at Your Independent Grocer.”

Did not hear:

“We are really glad you could take part in this year’s event.”

Did hear:

“It’s pretty bad when every single member of the media in Eastern Ontario was not available to take part in this year’s event except you. Oh well, it only would have been more people to beat you anyway.”

Did not hear:

“Hey, look, Jim Watson has a camera and he is going to shoot footage of Mayor Larry O’Brien plowing the furrow.”

Did hear:

“Hey look, Jim Watson’s assistant has a camera and he is going to shoot footage of Mayor Larry O’Brien plowing the furrow.”

Did not hear:

“Make sure when you are plowing that you don’t hit a coyote.”

Did hear:

“Be careful that you don’t hit a small animal, because the Liberal Government will charge an eco-fee for disposing of the animal.”

Did not hear:

“It’s awfully hot and sunny out there, Jeff. Would you like to borrow some of my sunscreen?”

Did hear:

“Look at Lobster boy trying to plow. Morris, we always knew you were a redneck, but you take it to a whole new level. Does Crayola even have a colour for that sunburn?”

Did not hear:

“It’s amazing how balanced and graceful you are as you finesse the plow through the uneven dirt and field.”

Did hear:

“Straight line, Jeff, straight line. I mean, really, are you drunk? I think Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean could walk in a straighter line than you can. Say, I know what the problem is. Have you ever thought about getting orthotics?”

Did not hear:

“Hey Mayor O’Brien, you are really good at this! Maybe you can take the horses to Lansdowne Park to get a head start on the new football stadium.”

Did hear:

“Hey Mayor O’Brien, you are really good at this! Maybe you can take the horses downtown and get a head start on the new billion-dollar transit tunnel.”

Did not hear:

“It’s so hot out, would you like a Diet Coke?”

Did hear:

“Sorry, we don’t have any Diet Coke.”

Did not hear:

“Jeff, make sure we can see you for the group photo.”

Did hear:

“Jeff, we’re having our group photo now. Why don’t you stand at the back and we’ll angle the camera so that we can’t see you.”

Did not hear:

“We sure love your column. Where can we buy your book?”

Did hear:

“After watching you plow, it’s amazing you can even type.”

Jeffrey Morris was the 2008 OCNA Columnist of the Year. His book, From the Other Side, is available at Barrhaven UPS Store, Manotick Office Pro and Pages in Prescott, where all copies are stacked neatly in nice, straight rows.